Building the basics for better behaviour

Hands up if you find your grandchildren’s behaviour challenging at times? If you are like me, I suspect almost everyone will have their hands high in the air! I have to admit, there are times that I struggle to cope with the tears and the tantrums, the whining and the yelling or the behaviour that seems to ‘come out of nowhere’ and ruin a perfectly happy moment! It is at times like these that I have to remind myself, that these behaviours are ‘normal’ and are all part of my grandchildren’s rapidly changing brains.

I also have to remind myself that no two children are alike, as one grandchild was (almost) a perfect angel until 3 years of age, while the younger one at two years of age is physically demonstrative and loud when remonstrating about the unfairness of life! Most challenging periods are temporary, but they need to be handled in the right way by caregivers, to ensure they remain so.

Challenging behaviour is usually only problematic when it becomes persistent, regular and increasingly difficult to manage. But it is important to realise that any behaviour pattern can be changed, just as the brain can be changed. It takes consistent and repetitive new practices. It will (mostly) take at least four weeks, or sometimes longer, to break an anti-social habit. Consistently applied responses are the key. It’s also important to know that how adults react to a child’s behaviour will make a difference. Many times, an adult’s reaction can unknowingly reinforce a behaviour e.g. laughing at ‘cute’ behaviour at one time, but becoming irritated by the same behaviour another time, gives the child a confused message.

Keep in mind, that if adults want to change children’s behaviour, they often have to be prepared to change their own first.

Many factors influence the kinds of behaviours that are exhibited, and while it is not possible to control them all, here are 12 ways that can help reduce unwanted behaviour in your household:

1. Structure and routine

Young children tend to be much more secure and happy, when they live with an organised structured environment e.g., bedtime routines, predictable mealtimes. Late nights, late meals and unexpected activities will throw them off course.

2. Consistent discipline: only one set of rules and stick to them

Toddlers can become incredibly confused if they receive conflicting messages from caregivers. If you are a grandparent looking after grandchildren, it’s important to align your management techniques with those of the parents, or at least discuss your management techniques and seek approval for implementation in your own home.

3. Aim for calm and peace

Tension, noise, anger, windy days, restrictions, crowds and excess activities can upset a child.  Overstimulation of the sensory system can ‘wind a child up’ and they will literally ‘lose control’.

4. Try to avoid tensions

Families can have many tensions as they worry about work, money, relationships etc. but try to avoid showing tensions in front of the child, as tensions unsettle children.

5. Noise

Children can get stirred up with loud noise especially loud music, loud TV or if adults are arguing. Young children behave best when the volume is low and surrounded by a minimum of distractions.

6. Be aware of triggers

Minor triggers can create big explosions and it is best to avoid triggers rather than having to pacify afterwards. Look carefully for them and find a way around them. Some children are triggered by certain foods or smells or environmental pollutants, for example.

7. Aim for being positive

Children respond much better to positive reinforcement, rather than the negative, punitive approach.

8. Make your house child friendly

Children need to have freedom to move and explore. You can do this by making your house child-friendly, resulting in the need to say ‘no’ less.  

9. Focus on behaviours you want to promote

Our behaviour is naturally modified when there are reinforcers, behaviours are made stronger when we receive something we were wanting to achieve. Children operate under the same system. The trick here is to make sure that the reinforcers promote pro-social behaviour, rather than anti-social behaviour. If a child is wanting attention and they get that attention by tantrum-type behaviour, then the tantrums are associated with getting attention. Inadvertently we are reinforcing the tantrums because they achieve the child’s goal of ‘attention’. So, it is important to reinforce the behaviours you want. Usually with pre-schoolers all they require is a smile, a hug and most importantly, your attention. Go out of your way to attend to those positive moments. Make your interactions genuine, children do not respond well to ‘gushing’ (going overboard about something they did). Other than unsafe situations, do not respond immediately to anti-social behaviour. Model the behaviour you think better serves the child and comment why: “I’m using gentle hands with the cat and see how much she loves it” In Grandparenting Grandchildren we talk about this approach in greater detail.

10. Have a good night’s sleep

A good, long night of sleep is essential for emotional stability as it allows a child’s body and brain to rest. Make sure the bed and bedclothes are comfortable, the room cool and quiet. Pre-schoolers may like a night light as bad dreams are more frequent in this age group.

11. Use a selective deafness technique

Here the caregiver only hears the responses they want to hear and cuts out all those that are generated for annoyance e.g. When a child bursts out with “I hate you”, ignore it. Whingeing, whining, crying, bad language and refusal is also best handled by this approach. Identifying the feeling/emotion can work well here so that the child feels that they are being listened to. “I can see you are quite frustrated” is a better approach than “Don’t say nasty things like ‘I hate you’. That is not very nice.”  This does take energy and patience, but the rewards are worth it.

12. Take Time Out – Cooling Down

When adult and child are having a confrontation, it is vital the adult keeps cool and remains in control. Take some time out – both of you. It gives the child and adult time to cool off. If you can, encourage the young child to sit in a beanbag or on a cushion nearby until the child has calmed down. Sit yourself somewhere if that helps the child who is learning about cooling down. It is not a punishment, rather a method of calming an emotional situation.

If you would like more information about why young children behave the way they do, and how you can help your youngest family members learn to manage their emotions, grab a copy of Grandparenting Grandchildren, a why and how guide for grandparents who are regularly involved in their grandchildren’s lives.